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02 March 2007 @ 11:35 pm
my intro and thoughts  

I have been lurking, getting a taste for what this group is like. It looks like something I will definitely enjoy.

 

My intro.  I see the sacred in most of the things I do since I believe that the most essential part of who I am, my energy force, is connected to the Divine. I happen to identify the Divine in my life as Christian, but that doesn’t change the dynamic in my mind. Obviously I’m not your typical conservative, fundamentalist, evangelical, though all of those labels fit me in one way or another.

 

I have chosen to be celibate for the past few years. I realized during my divorce frenzy (I’m finally free! Look out guys here I come!) stage that the men I was connecting with on a physical level were looking for a hole and that was it. While I have talked about wanting a self-directed dildo I really wasn’t looking for physical gratification as much as I was looking for someone who was interested in connecting on an energy-essential being level. I’m no longer willing to indulge my sexual side with another without that connection. This does not mean that I do not appreciate and enjoy myself sexually, I just do not include another person when I do.

 

I have found people who are willing to connect with me on that essential-energy level, but we do not do it in a sexually explicit manner. I have found that participating in non-sexual D/s gives me that energy exchange that I need. While it would be lovely to find someone I could be in a physically intimate, sexual relationship with I am content in being who I am, protecting my energy signature, and connecting with only those who will exchange that energy with me.  Because it is the essence of who I am, to me it is very sacred. In exchanging my energy with another I am also exchanging my spiritual life with them in a way that transcends definitions. The sacred and the essence of who I am are so entwined, though separate, I don’t know how I could do anything else.

 
 
 
mnswede on March 13th, 2007 03:22 pm (UTC)
I've not ignored this. I just needed to think it through some more.

I'm not sure exactly how it works but I know that when I really get into my submissive headspace then whatever serving I'm doing seems to flow with an energy that fulfils me on many levels. There's definitely a spiritual component to it, probably from being raised in a Christian environment where serving others equates to serving God. I know that my need for sexual release is much less after doing a service-oriented "scene". I don't like the word for what I do because it's not playing to me at all, but it's the word that many in BDSM use for active involvement. Somehow allowing my submissive self to emerge and participate in my life brings my inner energies into balance.

Does this help or raise more questions?